Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Psst, Hey Buddy Want to Score Some Light?

Want to get in on a sure fire money maker with me?

Australia recently decided to switch off Tom Edison's 125 year old incandescent miracle by 2015. California wants to trump them and switch off these global warmers by 2012.

Government do-gooders are turning on to the energy savings of compact fluorescent lamps or CFL's. CFL's are those spiral, anemic bulbs that make me look (dimly) like a cold, blue corpse. They also cost three times more than a Costco incandescent.

CFL's use 33% less energy and last 7 times longer than incandescents. I'm taking the kid's college fund and buying up all the existing incandescent light bulbs I can find. I'll corner the market on these bright beauties. I might even rent a PODS to store them. I'm going to be richer than a West Laurel land baron.

I plan on scoring bright 100 watters, workhorse 75 watters and even those sneaky 30 watters that live in your refrigerator.

I'm going to be rich because the government is hell bent on saving us from global warming. Anytime the government helps, someone makes money. This time it's going to be me.

Even WAL*MART, the corporate protector all things green, is turning on to CFL's. These Noble Knights Templar for protecting their employees from health care, have decided to sell 100 million CFL's and transform the light bulb business with their unmatched market power. All in name of green--as in the environment, not greed.

Even organized religions are joining the movement. The North American Federation of Temple Youth has created a national social justice program to kill the incandescent called, "How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?"

With all these governmental, religious, tree-hugger and corporate eco-terrorists joining the jihad against the faithful incandescent bulb, the People's Republic of Maryland can't be far behind. Do you here me Annapolis? Save us from ourselves and make the globe-killing incandescent illegal.

I'm going to filthy rich when the only way to buy an old fashioned incandescent bulb is in a Ziploc baggie. I'll be the Tony Soprano of Laurel Avenue. Baby boomers with weak eyes will be my biggest "customers." A few 100-watt a week habits and I can move to West Laurel.

I'm sending city councilmembers and the local cops a few 60 watters to look the other way. Anyone who wants to bankroll my incandescent initiative should let me know. It's all tax free.

I know a guy who knows a guy in Laurel Lakes who says he can help me score a couple cases of Hawaiian Halogens! I'm meeting him tonight in the back of Lowes. Pure Halogen Happiness. Timothy Leary was right: tune in, turn on and see the light!

(Get the real story on the benefits of buying CFL's here.)


Mary Beth said...

"We will all go together when we go. All suffuse with an incandescent glow."
--Tom Lehrer

Laurin Morrison said...

I'm in. I'll close the kids' college funds today and send you the cash ... receipt please!

The "real" story? Make that the "politically correct, doesn't know science, and is easily taken in" story.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rick Wilson said...

The previous comment was deleted because it was completely off topic.

Anonymous said...

Rick - Please include some information about the mercury content and the care in handling burnt out or broken CFLs. You can get an information sheet at http://www.nema.org/lamprecycle/epafactsheet-cfl.pdf . Let's keep in mind that new and more efficient devices usually bring along their own peculiar hazards.
Have a Faaantastic Day,
Stephen McAdams

Mary beth said...

I thought my comment was incredibly witty and germane. What's it take to get some dialogue around here? I don't think Tom Lehrer wrote any songs defending Mike Sarich... I guess I could try posting some lyric about Kissinger...

Mike Sarich said...

Check out this story from todays Post;


the market may be even brighter for you than you thought Rick!

Rick Wilson said...

I'm going to be rich enough to put both you and Marybeth through Law School!