Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Walmart + DPW and I'm good to go!

From the WTOP.com web site;

"Wal-Mart has started selling caskets on its Web site at prices that undercut many funeral homes, long the major seller of caskets.

The move follows a similar one by discount rival Costco, which also sells caskets on its site.  Wal-Mart, based in Bentonville, Ark., quietly put up about 15 caskets and dozens of urns on its Web site last week.

Prices range from $999 for models like "Dad Remembered" and "Mom Remembered" steel caskets to the mid-level $1,699 "Executive Privilege." All are less than $2,000, except for the Sienna Bronze Casket, which sells for $3,199.

Caskets ship within 48 hours.

So here's my plan to save my heirs a little dough when it's my time to duck out.   Joanne orders the cheapest box from WalMart or Costco.  She then bribes a couple of my neighbors to help her heft me into it.  I'm sure Eric Hoglund and Bob Bain will happily do it for a 12 pack of Sam Adams.  They are good friends.

Then she calls Laurel Department of Public Works for a special pick-up.

Thirty-five dollars to DPW and I'm outta here the following Wednesday!

10 comments:

Mike McLaughlin said...

Not so fast, Rick. I checked in the DPW Resident Information Package Guide, and cheesecake-eating, lifetime bureaucrats are not on the approved list of special pick-up items. Sorry.

However, when that humongous SuperWal-Mart is done over in Russet, they will have enough room to sell shelf space with those coffins. I doubt that shoppers would even notice.

Elden Carnahan said...

Plan B: stay in the Walmart coffin for about a year, until you are good and dried out. Then get Eric and Bob to cut you up into chunks no more than 6 feet long and 3 inches in diameter, and put you out for the Wednesday pickup as yard debris. That way there's no pickup fee!

The guys could also just bust up the Walmart coffin and put the boards by the curb. Someone will come along and take them away in a couple of days.

Jim McCeney said...

Joanne needs to hope that you check out no earlier than Monday for the Wednesday pickup!

Bob said...

Rick - I did just get a new chain saw, so maybe Elden is on to something. This being said, I'd do it for a 6 pack of Bud, as long as it' bottles (don't really care for Sam Adams).

Heidi said...

Holy Smokes! This must be a small-town neighborhood! Rick, I think that Joanne should have you stuffed and send you off to work on the train. It's the federal government - no one will know you're dead and she can keep collecting the paycheck! Much less smelly . . .

Joanne said...

There's some great help on this blog. I'm taking notes. No pickup fee for debris (no commentary here) and Bud not Sam Adams, okay.
I like Heidi's idea. It's reminiscent of "Weekend At Bernie's."

Rick Wilson said...

I'm glad that my friends and neighbors are so "helpful". But let us not rush into things.

My boss read Heidi's post and said,

"You know she's right. How would we tell the difference? You don't really produce anything particularly useful now. Besides, as a dead bureaucrat you would at least not cause any new harm."

He continued, "Tell her to let us know when she's going to send you down here. So we can be sure to not put you on the evening train. That will save her your daily MARC ticket! I'll do it for a case of Yuengling. I'm tired of your damn cheesecake."

Sheeesh. I'm glad you all love me so much.

Raising Raynor, FidosForFreedom's Puppy-ADIT said...

Ray says, hmmm... is there any way to get your carcass to Indiana? Battleground, IN specifically? Because Wolf Park can always use another carcass (once you've REALLY kicked the bucket!) for wolf food. Think Circle of Life, and all that jazz... Wolf Park staff and local community members pick up road kill, (deer, goats, etc.), to feed the wolves... Kim's thinking that's what she wants done with her carcass. Although... shipping fees to Indiana are probably kinda steep! (but possibly less steep than a $2000.00 cheap box from Walmart! ?? aroooo.....

Cynthia said...

Rick,
If you have friends that are golfers, tell Joanne not to hold your funeral on a Wednesday- that is men's day, Tuesdays are usually ladies day. If it's raining it doesn't matter.
She could always float your boat by sending you out in the ocean in your Walmart casket with a message in a bottle....great international relations for a government bureaucrat.
Saves on the interment fee, and our city taxes don't get raised because of excessive yard debris.
PS -use the layaway plan and don't plan on checking out too soon,Laurel needs you....

Anonymous said...

Since the city is planning to partner with the company changing trash into fuel, if your remains were put out for the regular trash pickup, you could actually become renewed energy! We are all for controlling energy costs - you'd be a great neighbor!

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